Boy. One of those days today. You know,the kind were everything is going slightly wrong? Not majorly bad but sort of a warning to get home and stay there before something falls on you.

back

   Too long away. I am aware of this. I have been trying to find myself, my place in things.
Its funny. I say that like its something new, in fact I've spent most of my adult life doing it. Sometimes the answer seems close enough to touch. I can see it shining right there! It saying "come on! run!" only it stays just out of reach, the next day or even later that same day its just a memory.
   My motivations for writing these days are questionable to me. I have learned loving to read doesn't mean you can write. I have also found out the things you like to read aren't necessarily what you can write well if at all. Still even with all those negative thoughts floating around I write. The urge is no less consuming and everyday in some form I am writing. If I've learned nothing else this semester I've learned a writer writes and the only way to get better is to write!
   Things seem to be moving into a non fiction arena right now. I look around and I want to talk about what I see. The Immediacy of it is appealing though finding an original tact is hard. Maybe the secret Is to just write it instead of trying to look for a hook or angle.
   My family is as content as it ever was and my thoughts dark but probably because i choose to look at things that way.
   My best friend won't even speak to me anymore, but in all fairness I stopped speaking first. I felt I had lost the support of the one person I could count on, the one I needed most at a particularly turbulent time in my life. It never entered my mind how they might feel about the whole thing. I was mostly concerned with being comforted. Selfish I know. Anyway some obvious truths were spoken and predictably I shut down, being childish is one of my many faults I sometimes perceive as strength.
   I used to be able to make others happy with no problem but could not do the same for myself. nowadays I make others as miserable as myself. Progress?

update also

Sitting at the dinner table cooking steaks in the oven and listening to christmas music, trying to get into the spirit. Its kind of getting there.
Otis redding. the pogues the ramones. all good stuff. kind of dark but thats ok. at least im not wallowing in deprression. Oh i have things to be depressed about. i could list them but to hell with them today and tonight. I pay too much homage to them most days and what do they give me in return? shit thats what.
so tonight its just the good stuff.
delusional? you bet!

The return of the king

Am watching the above titled movie at the moment. I am well aware that this is a work of fiction but I am still amazed by the power of this particular film. Oh not the production quality and things like that. No. I refer instead to its sheer power to inspire.
It makes you proud to just be human, a part of this great thing that is man when he chooses to be so. I was moved to tears and this is of course not my first viewing.
Perhaps I'm just emotionally unstable these days ( smile)

nice

A nice day. Much like yesterday. I am thankful for all i have and less bitter about the things i dont.
Son brought his girlfriend who was nice despite the ups and downs they have been going though.
Food was nice. Family get together was nice.
I guess what im saying is it was...nice. lol

When"s my turn?

    A good day. Have my grandson and his Mini Chew wa wa all day. He is a bright light to me even though he's kind of out grown his gumpa now. (smile)

    I'm mellow and centered. Not fighting with anyone today for the first time in what feels like weeks. Things feel..right Thanksgiving will be fun. Fried turkey and crab/shrimp/sausage stuffing. enough said lol. Will pig out then take a nap. life doesn't get any better.

   i am thankful for all the things i have and the people in my life. I hope for more understanding but I'm seeing things from my perspective and possibly not the reality of some things. I am trying to do whats best for me though. I've had a lifetime of doing whats best for others. Whens my turn?

quick writing contest

terrible minds had a writing contest where you have one word to use as a topic or piece of the story that had to be created with only 100 words.
The choices were frog powder seagull tower or scissors.
i chose powder. Here it is.
It was quite fun by the way. (smile)

    the woman screamed, waves of pain crashing over her. Her arms, had been sliced bare, striped like bacon.
    the man behind the fool's mask methodically sprinkled a grey powder into her wounds. He was mumbling "for Rachael" over and over.
    Her pain began to deaden after that Her wounds seemed to heal before her eyes and she felt detached as her thoughts floated.
    Another  man was approaching now from a good distance clothed in black blotting out the light. The image looked familiar, particularly the thing in his hand.There was no face. just a cloak, a skull, and a scythe.