There are several issues on my mind today and I'll give some time to some of them. I have been trying to be less self centered but that's impossible when you're writing a blog about yourself. so...
   
    Depression is upon me. It  has been visiting since the start of the month for some reason and refuses to take it's ass home! It sits in the middle of the living room hogging the TV and demanding everyone watch what it wants to watch. You get the idea.
   
    Things just seem to be not going well. Nothing major, I mean my health is fine, no money troubles and the family is well. Its more little things like not being able to pass tests or make anyone happy or... see somebody when you really wanna see them.

    I have been pondering a question for a few months  now. A friend asked why I don't allow myself to be happy, that I just refuse delivery. It really has stayed with me. Man, i would hate to think there's some truth to that.

    I really wanna be happy. I mean I love being happy. Who doesn't ? It just feels more like an illusion these days. You ever find yourself thinking you're doing things other people and society want you to do but not what you want to do? what's right for you? Lately I look at love and rules and what's considered right or wrong and I'm questioning.
   For instance. Prostitution. Why is it illegal? or smoking pot? now I'm not supporting these issues but it seems silly to ban something that makes people happy. I mean it really does seem silly. Who decided that shit and why should i HAVE to do it? What gives them the right to decide whats right for me?
    I asked the same question of marriage. One wife, presumably forever, as if society or "they" decided this is best for you so this is how it will be. What about the people who genuinely love lots of people? I'm questioning love and commitment a lot these days. Maybe its the age thing. We grow up with rules for how to date, how many dates till sex, when to kiss, how many kids to have, how many years together, Individual choice seems removed from the whole process. We are programmed from the cradle to follow societies rules or be punished by society. I'm not just speaking of jail but socially too.
    I want to love who i want to love, without being judged or limited by society. Instead I am hounded by dogma. My being tells me that its wrong to love someone because it breaks certain rules. Now the logical mind knows it for the bullshit it is but the programing? Its difficult to overcome,and not only in yourself but in the ones you love. Now I'm not gonna put my shit out here but as you can tell this is an issue close to my heart.
   I am weary of tradition I am weary of rules that don't allow me to be happy without feeling like a selfish shit. Its not that I don't want to be happy. Its that if i do what i need to for happiness I feel like I've betrayed so many people that I cannot live with the fact. The result is a useless limbo like existence with tiny pieces of joy quickly crushed by obligation/duty.
LOL
Phew! Feels good to vent.