30Jan2014

Life continuing to throw up roadblocks. What else is new?

Well, sometimes you can see the reason for it.

One can spend months angry and constantly saying "why me lord?" 

sometimes it takes months for the reason to present itself.

I'm going to spare you details here but I understand why things fell the way they did for me.

One always needs to remember you are not alone on this earth and I forgot that for a time.

It is soo easy to think just about yourself.

 So easy in fact you barely notice you're doing it after awhile.

Meanwhile those depending on you move blithely along, confident in the belief that you will eventually come to your senses. Thier faith is so humbling.

A sneaky slinking train wreck of a person crawls along plotting and planning. 

He is perfectly willing to sacrifice them on the alter of his vile needs but their faith never waivers.

He eventually realizes all the studying, all his pompous behavior is nothing!

He missed the whole thing!

The real truth, the real purpose for exsistance was always right there.

in them, believing in you even when they KNEW you were a piece of shit.

Be better people.

I know we've sucked in the past; I hear you we may not ever be able to make it up.

But start now anyway. Can't make things worse.

Didn't write okay and feel terrible about it.

In one of those "my writing sucks!" Phases.

I shall persevere. (Smile)

27JAN2014

I'm glad I wake up ready to be productive now.

I used to look for things to kill time.

Now I write,/study/write and feel less like a waste of life.

My despair still weighs me down.

I know. A long time leaving huh.

I feel I am useless to others right now as I'm so in need of fixing myself.

I still drag one foot foreward right after the other.it just seems like a circle.  :)

Yes, well It was never supposed to be easy was it?

Easy was the lie they told us from the beginning.

24JAN2014 Chaos

Thinking about chaos tonight.

Not the crude raw upheaval of all things organized in the universe but more the hiccups in the smoothness of it all.

When I was younger I craved smoothness. I wanted nothing more than the comforts of home everybody else desired. A mate, enough money and all the love you can handle.

I achieved that goal years ago if not on as grand a scale as it sounds. Then I felt like young Alexander who looked around and lamented he had no worlds left to conquer.

I became restless bored and grumpy. I longed to tear it all down.

Is that the nature of man or just a fucked up me?

The Priest is back on track. About 7900 words and editing is going well.

22JAN2014

Not a terrible day. Got lots done on the story, lots of adding then taking away.

The age old battle of writing what you want, what the story is trying to say and the need for mass appeal.

I gave in and propped some action on the front. It was a blatant effort to grab readers on the first page, before they start drifting.

It feels so wrong now. Deleting it.

I'm proud of myself. This story is not like that.

It's about a man struggling with the things he's done over a lifetime and realizing it may be too late to make amends. The action must come out of that, not be shoehorned in.

The depression is still with me. Fuck it. It won't win. It never does. But...

Don't want to discuss it either. Just want to beat it bloody. Make it wish it had never fucked with me.

21JAN2014 I'm still here.

Been a few days but that's cool. I had nothing to say that's worth mentioning.

Flu is past but it did cause me to miss a day of writing, just the one though.

I've started the rewrite on "priest" at least five times now.

Each time with a brilliant new concept.

Each time the characters drag me back on point lol.

I guess its true you are simply the vehicle for them.

It's ok but not groundbreaking. I want groundbreaking !

But can't force these people into that shape.

It's for other characters or them further down the road.

Never stop. The future is bullshit, there's only now.

13Jan2014

Finally turning the corner on the flu.
Seems I was premature in bragging about my Father's super genes.
Didn't write yesterday but in my defense I felt like death!
I know. a Poor excuse.
Did tonight though and I'm pretty much done with the second rough draft.
school starts tomorrow and I'll have to wait and see how my writings gonna fit in with studies.


Mood is dark but that's normal for me. Doesn't equate with depression. just dark.

10Jan2014

The day is done.

Flu fought mightily but in the end no match for my fathers genes.

I am on the mend and still, still writing.

Sometimes it's like carving text out of a boulder.

I see the thousands on twitter not only writing away but publishing their own shit.

I will be there though I struggle with my standards.

To me the work never seems to be quite there but each re write is better.

I can look at my work now and say"not bad." But needs to be better.

The good thing about that is I'm trying to please me now and not others.

8JAN2014

Yea, turned the corner with the whinning!

It falls into order when you stop thinking about yourself all the time.

Concentrating on doing no harm or as little as possible to the ones that really love you is the answer.

"the Priest" is still coming along. It'll be fine and my best work to date.

Down side here.

I think I finally got the flu lol

Goin to bed early.

6jan2014

Still writing daily. Holding myself to that.

The despair overwhelms tonight so I respond with two rum and cokes. 

Stupid. 

I seem to circle all my miseries relentlessly some days. Only some days. Really just some times. Others i am better than fine (smile)

Running into an old problem with the story trying to write itself but it's too rote so I keep rewriting the first ten pages lol.

I think Ive whipped it in the right direction now.

3JAN2014

Still struggling with the down mood and cranky as hell.  (Smile)

But...still writing.

Funneling all the crap built up into the rough draft of "priest"

By the time I get to the third rewrite I'll be able to make it useful instead of just carving up the insides of me.

Brighter days tomorrow my friends, remember.

3Jan2014

Still at it.

Good for me.

Was tough today. Getting back to writing has been a lifesaver but a writers job is to fool others, not themselves.

So...every now and again the stuff I'm running from pops up.

It's amazing how ripe and taunt the feelings are when they do.

You can taste them 

and the taste is like fresh blood. 

Your blood.

It feels like you've made no real progress at all but of course you have.

You are now able to see it from a distance, like watching a dull movie.

Just some days (smile)

The story is still moving along nicely. About 1000 words a day or so.

Hey! It takes time to aquire the discipline!