28APR16 Almost Light

One more class to go, teaching composition. Have to do a presentation on the viability of teaching a writing course using a multimedia platform. Rough five minutes where I tell the class about my plan to use wattpad as a teaching tool. Then a ten page paper for her about the whole process.

I got much more out of the class than I expected. I can see why teachers love it so.

Had the last Ascetism and Decadence class a couple hours ago. Still have to submit a final of about eight pages and a final essay of ten to twelve. Oh my god the writing in that class! Learned tons there too but my mind is so fried from the philosophy! The last works are on Oscar Wilde. Every line he wrote makes you stop and take about five or so minutes to think on. No more thinking. More drinking!

May be a slight chance I'm going to summer school. One class, southern Literature. Shouldn't be too bad, some pretty good writers I'm guessing. Thought hard about just sitting the summer out but an idle me is no good. I just think and drink and whine. Lol

21APR16 updates

In the final stretch here. One more teaching presentation and a final paper and the spring session is done. Meeting with Dr. White shortly to decide on a thesis for the paper.

Either the treatment and status of women in Victorian England as presented in Dorian Gray, or the artist/critic muse relationship in the same piece.

Submitted my last short story Monday with a harsh but fair review.

I was required to write three short stories for the class but decided to write one three part story instead. That decision opened up a world of problems.

I hadn't properly planned the whole thing out so ended up trying to make the latter parts mesh with the first story; nota smooth outcome. The end critiques involved all the flaws in the structure that needed fixing. My professor did tell the class

 "this work is ambitious and good piece of creative work that's too big for the writer as shown by the lack of craftsmanship. But, craftsmanship can be taught! Not talent."

I come away a much better writer, aware that the things I leave out as obvious are important to enough readers to include them, also that I can write. I always tell myself that but it's nice to hear it from others.

Prince is dead! Damn, there ain't even nothin else to say to that shit. I mean I found it almost unbelievable and I wasn't even that big a fan. I recognize genius when I see/hear it.

I found myself watching as the world got on with its business. It stopped for nobody I saw here on campus. I realize this is a surface view, I've no idea of their inner lives and concerns. I just felt an overwhelming sense of indifference, like the same non reaction will present with my own demise.

A dark, selfish thought. Too much alcohol lol.

13APR16 little glimpses of God

 As I was leaving the school across from my house last Saturday I was approached by an elderly gentleman. We were there voting on yet another tax increase but kind of drifted into conversation.We spoke of the political shape of our country, details of which I won't bore you with.

Eventually we joked about our age. I told I'm I'm about as old as him and he pointed out he was eighty and had a daughter my age.

What I'm driving at is how much he impressed, no, inspired me. I marveled at this man so mentally sharp and full of life. I could feel the power coming off him and the pleasure he got from just living on this earth.

I have a tendency to whine as those familiar with me know. I also tend to think too much about everything and not act nearly enough. Lately it's been over getting older and running out of time. I feel I've wasted it and there's not enough left to accomplish anything.

That gentleman reminded me to live, that I could easily be eighty like him and to stop thinking, worrying, and make it count.

I guess my point is God talks to you all the time. It's not always through prayer, some times it's people.

I'm reminded to listen, to be present and pay attention.

07APR16 updates

Classes are still overwhelming for the most part but I am gaining understanding into the mindset needed to succeed. 

I have to be prepared to take what I need/want.

Pre grad consisted of professors lecturing at me while i stumbled around tryin to make sense of it all, enough that I could spew it back in an acceptable form to pass the class.

Grad school makes the subltle shift to you becoming the teacher and a true seeker of knowledge. There is no more holding hands or gentle nudges in a direction. You are required to ask the questions then nudge yourself. That sort of ownerism came late to me and is coming hard (phrasing lol)

my military background has me used to being told what to do despite a fierce independent streak.

Now I am forcing myself to actively take charge of my life, late in the game though it is.

  

I am learning so much. Aescetism and decadence are like lights going off. I see the world for what is it is and differently at the same time. 

I see the mental games we play with ourselves as a society and as individuals. My goal now is a constant attempt to not sleep thru things anymore. To be "aware" as I can be at all times, to what I am doing and why. It's trickling down to my writing, if not on a line by line basis at least in its essence. 

My professor has been on my ass about grammar. The old me would have checked that bitch on the spot! Even considered chokin the shit out of her. The core of the story is what's important, there are people who get PAID to correct grammar right?

Right, but you have to get your work to the people for that to happen. Just when I was about to go off for her frontin on me in class she said something that made me hold my tongue.

"Editors have stacks of manuscripts on their desks. They're just looking for a reason to reject you. Why give them one?"

Damn! What the hell can you say to logic like that?

So I'm workin the line by lines just like she said. Why? Cause I'm gone git mine! Lol

24Mar16 update

Got past the midterms. Past being the operative phrase.

Submitted my second short story for my creative writing course. Had to whip it together over three days, not nearly enough time but...midterms.

It continues the tale of Megan even though she's dead now.

It's more the leading up to that event. More Jordan but not enough. I realized that after I completed it.

Malachi, a new character took over as some characters are want to do. He was suppose to be there but die later. He's such a strong character I want to save him.

So he dies.

My moods good. Conscious of time slipping away but that's just too much me thinking. The answer is more work.

13Mar16 today

I'm going outside to cut grass.

I've Been obsessing lately on school and other things, mind cluttered and fractured. I need something I can control, something I can have a physical effect on.

I forget to be while out these days. I rushi about mind on everything but where I am, what I'm doing, like young Luke Skywalker. Today I'll sweat, feel the heat drain me along with those meddlesome worries.

I write still but not the subjects I want weighed down by the thoughts of men dead two hundred years. Deep thought to be sure but the energy tied up in trying to spew back their words/ life mission in an acceptable manner is tiring. I criticize myself at every turn, the result is little progress.

I'll get there.😊

I just have to whine from time to time.

In the interests of keeping it real...

The ground is saturated. Too wet to cut.

I guess it's back to Pater, Matthew, and Arnold.

29Feb16 updates

School is such a mixed bag for me at this point.

I'm reminded of a conversation I had with Jason prior to the semester concerning my reasons for going back. He asked then if I could really get what I wanted there, which was to learn to be a better writer.

I told him of course. knowledge is power; there was no way it would make me a worse writer. I wanted my masters, hell, I wanted my doctorate.

Three or some months into it I'm revisiting the question.

Submitted my first paper for asceticism and decadence. Got a poor reception, a C- in fact. There was a myriad of issues, from vague comments to sources poorly quoted or quoted improperly. It's understandable. I've never taken a graduate level course and the class offered for teaching the proper way of doing the paper isn't available till next fall. I gambled and lost. Now I'll have to work it hard to not make it a failure.

the deeper issue is what I'm working for. I'm not puttin those extra hours in on writing a better short story. It's on writing a better paper, the way they want it, and miles from where I want to be.

I have to choose wiser if I'm going to continue this path. I passed on a course dealing with African lit for the headache of British lit and philosophy. At least I'd have been reading books!

Okay" thanks for listening. Reception for my short story was positive and I don't think it was just the usual one student shinin another one on. Scheduled to talk with the professor tomorrow before class.

Read a piece last night that said when you get in moods like this just picture yourself a year from now. It helps. (Smile)