No new, mind blowing insights today on the walk I searched and searched but found myself falling back into the same old selfish patterns Seeking confirmation or affirmation from someone who fails to acknowledge your needs over and over again is crazy. Many people have told me that in the past
and Wendy in particular stands out for being the most recent among other reasons. Finding it difficult to be the wise one today i simply pushed the subject aside and concentrated on my walk.
The heat and humdity is draining. The sweat simply sits on the skin undisturbed by any breeze as its non exsistant. It is a good kind of tired It fatigue burns the wasteful thoughts from the forfront, forces you to focus on the present. In a more positive frame i realize I am accomplishing all the goals I set for myself this summer, to get in shape, work on my spanish, write more and better and to work my guitar.
All of those seem to be things I have control over The emotional stuff I still try to control like an idiot but fail miserably. At least i recognize my problems as small, possibly thats why im not rushing to get a handle on them. Mood seems good. I'm...calm.
Saturday, June 30, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Fuck the time away. Life calls to us all sometimes.
Anyway, was doing my daily walk and started thinking about selfishness. I always try to pick topics to occupy my mind while i walk and it seemed to leap forward
I have been clashing more with a friend lately over expected treatment on my part. To me the expectations seem small, treat me with as much respect as i do you. Respect being some form of concentrated attention, meaning "I see you I hear you. I really do see and hear you.
My anger usually comes to the for when those conditions are not met. If I recieve a note from someone saying "Hey, off to the gym." or "home now. so tired" to me those are thoughtless notes. I would rather you didn't bother writing at all, but then I have the balls to get pissy because you don't write! I know. What an asshole right?
Well on my walk i was thinking just that, about how I delude myself into thinking i"m being this great human by giving you my valueable attenion when really i'm setting you up or testing you. It almost seems like im looking for a reason to get pissed I pat myself on the back and say "you! You are the good one!"
I just found it facinating how we or in this case "I" lie to myself I have to work harder at being REAL. I love my friends. I love the people in my life. I am lucky that they CHOOSE to have me in theirs. Just wanted to get it down before tomorrow comes and im pissed about them not setting aside everything for me lol.
Anyway, was doing my daily walk and started thinking about selfishness. I always try to pick topics to occupy my mind while i walk and it seemed to leap forward
I have been clashing more with a friend lately over expected treatment on my part. To me the expectations seem small, treat me with as much respect as i do you. Respect being some form of concentrated attention, meaning "I see you I hear you. I really do see and hear you.
My anger usually comes to the for when those conditions are not met. If I recieve a note from someone saying "Hey, off to the gym." or "home now. so tired" to me those are thoughtless notes. I would rather you didn't bother writing at all, but then I have the balls to get pissy because you don't write! I know. What an asshole right?
Well on my walk i was thinking just that, about how I delude myself into thinking i"m being this great human by giving you my valueable attenion when really i'm setting you up or testing you. It almost seems like im looking for a reason to get pissed I pat myself on the back and say "you! You are the good one!"
I just found it facinating how we or in this case "I" lie to myself I have to work harder at being REAL. I love my friends. I love the people in my life. I am lucky that they CHOOSE to have me in theirs. Just wanted to get it down before tomorrow comes and im pissed about them not setting aside everything for me lol.
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