You ever notice how exquisitely fucked up life is? I don't mean in the "I just want to die!"way but the joy and pain thing.

     Joy never lasts. We spend our entire exsistence pursuing it and it always comes, for a visit. Never to stay. In reality we spend far more time in pain and suffering than in joy. Pain and despair is the true constant, joy just a random variable.

      I don't mean to piss on the optimists out there;  I'm only voicing my current feelings on the subject. Lately I keep remembering my old bhuddist readings, about how pursuing pleasure is a stupid trick the mind plays on the concious self to keep you from thinking on the real reason were here. Which is...

      Lol hell if I know! Truth is I got tired of looking for the answer when I was younger and just went in pursuit of sex. I guess there's less gas in the tank these days; more time to think about things.

      All of this is from listening to a song on the walk from my van to the library. It is cold and rainy, my joints are aching and breath is short. I was looking back on my life and seeing no answers or purpose to the whole journey so far, but...

     " Sur vesdre" by Antoine dufour came on. It is an achingly beautiful song. The kind that makes you want to grab the people around you and yell

 "listen to this shit! I mean God! Just listen!"

       That kind of pure beauty makes life worth living. It recalibrates you sensors, reminds you to shut the hell up and just enjoy the ride, you're not driving anyway.