today

No new, mind blowing insights today on the walk I searched and searched but found myself falling back into the same old selfish patterns Seeking confirmation or affirmation from someone who fails to acknowledge your needs over and over again is crazy. Many people have told me that in the past
and Wendy in particular stands out for being the most recent among other reasons. Finding it difficult to be the wise one today i simply pushed the subject aside and concentrated on my walk.
    The heat and humdity is draining. The sweat simply sits on the skin undisturbed by any breeze as its non exsistant. It is a good kind of tired It fatigue burns the wasteful thoughts from the forfront, forces you to focus on the present. In a  more positive frame i realize I am accomplishing all the goals I set for myself this summer, to get in shape, work on my spanish, write more and better and to work my guitar.
    All of those seem to be things I have control over The emotional stuff I still try to control like an idiot but fail miserably. At least i recognize my problems as small, possibly thats why im not rushing to get a handle on them. Mood seems good. I'm...calm.

Fuck the time away. Life calls to us all sometimes.
Anyway, was doing my daily walk and started thinking about selfishness. I always try to pick topics to occupy my mind while i walk and it seemed to leap forward
   I have been clashing more with a friend lately over expected treatment on my part. To me the expectations seem small, treat me with as much respect as i do you. Respect being some form of concentrated attention, meaning "I see you I hear you. I really do see and hear you.
    My anger usually comes to the for when those conditions are not met. If I recieve a note from someone saying "Hey, off to the gym." or "home now. so tired" to me those are thoughtless notes. I would rather you didn't bother writing at all, but then I have the balls to get pissy because you don't write! I know. What an asshole right?
   Well on my walk i was thinking just that, about how I delude myself into thinking i"m being this great human by giving you my valueable attenion when really i'm setting you up or testing you. It almost seems like im looking for a reason to get pissed I pat myself on the back and say "you! You are the good one!"
    I just found it facinating how we or in this case "I" lie to myself I have to work harder at being REAL. I love my friends. I love the people in my life. I am lucky that they CHOOSE to have me in theirs. Just wanted to get it down before tomorrow comes and im pissed about them not setting aside everything for me lol.

Boy. One of those days today. You know,the kind were everything is going slightly wrong? Not majorly bad but sort of a warning to get home and stay there before something falls on you.

back

   Too long away. I am aware of this. I have been trying to find myself, my place in things.
Its funny. I say that like its something new, in fact I've spent most of my adult life doing it. Sometimes the answer seems close enough to touch. I can see it shining right there! It saying "come on! run!" only it stays just out of reach, the next day or even later that same day its just a memory.
   My motivations for writing these days are questionable to me. I have learned loving to read doesn't mean you can write. I have also found out the things you like to read aren't necessarily what you can write well if at all. Still even with all those negative thoughts floating around I write. The urge is no less consuming and everyday in some form I am writing. If I've learned nothing else this semester I've learned a writer writes and the only way to get better is to write!
   Things seem to be moving into a non fiction arena right now. I look around and I want to talk about what I see. The Immediacy of it is appealing though finding an original tact is hard. Maybe the secret Is to just write it instead of trying to look for a hook or angle.
   My family is as content as it ever was and my thoughts dark but probably because i choose to look at things that way.
   My best friend won't even speak to me anymore, but in all fairness I stopped speaking first. I felt I had lost the support of the one person I could count on, the one I needed most at a particularly turbulent time in my life. It never entered my mind how they might feel about the whole thing. I was mostly concerned with being comforted. Selfish I know. Anyway some obvious truths were spoken and predictably I shut down, being childish is one of my many faults I sometimes perceive as strength.
   I used to be able to make others happy with no problem but could not do the same for myself. nowadays I make others as miserable as myself. Progress?

update also

Sitting at the dinner table cooking steaks in the oven and listening to christmas music, trying to get into the spirit. Its kind of getting there.
Otis redding. the pogues the ramones. all good stuff. kind of dark but thats ok. at least im not wallowing in deprression. Oh i have things to be depressed about. i could list them but to hell with them today and tonight. I pay too much homage to them most days and what do they give me in return? shit thats what.
so tonight its just the good stuff.
delusional? you bet!

The return of the king

Am watching the above titled movie at the moment. I am well aware that this is a work of fiction but I am still amazed by the power of this particular film. Oh not the production quality and things like that. No. I refer instead to its sheer power to inspire.
It makes you proud to just be human, a part of this great thing that is man when he chooses to be so. I was moved to tears and this is of course not my first viewing.
Perhaps I'm just emotionally unstable these days ( smile)

nice

A nice day. Much like yesterday. I am thankful for all i have and less bitter about the things i dont.
Son brought his girlfriend who was nice despite the ups and downs they have been going though.
Food was nice. Family get together was nice.
I guess what im saying is it was...nice. lol