There are several issues on my mind today and I'll give some time to some of them. I have been trying to be less self centered but that's impossible when you're writing a blog about yourself. so...
   
    Depression is upon me. It  has been visiting since the start of the month for some reason and refuses to take it's ass home! It sits in the middle of the living room hogging the TV and demanding everyone watch what it wants to watch. You get the idea.
   
    Things just seem to be not going well. Nothing major, I mean my health is fine, no money troubles and the family is well. Its more little things like not being able to pass tests or make anyone happy or... see somebody when you really wanna see them.

    I have been pondering a question for a few months  now. A friend asked why I don't allow myself to be happy, that I just refuse delivery. It really has stayed with me. Man, i would hate to think there's some truth to that.

    I really wanna be happy. I mean I love being happy. Who doesn't ? It just feels more like an illusion these days. You ever find yourself thinking you're doing things other people and society want you to do but not what you want to do? what's right for you? Lately I look at love and rules and what's considered right or wrong and I'm questioning.
   For instance. Prostitution. Why is it illegal? or smoking pot? now I'm not supporting these issues but it seems silly to ban something that makes people happy. I mean it really does seem silly. Who decided that shit and why should i HAVE to do it? What gives them the right to decide whats right for me?
    I asked the same question of marriage. One wife, presumably forever, as if society or "they" decided this is best for you so this is how it will be. What about the people who genuinely love lots of people? I'm questioning love and commitment a lot these days. Maybe its the age thing. We grow up with rules for how to date, how many dates till sex, when to kiss, how many kids to have, how many years together, Individual choice seems removed from the whole process. We are programmed from the cradle to follow societies rules or be punished by society. I'm not just speaking of jail but socially too.
    I want to love who i want to love, without being judged or limited by society. Instead I am hounded by dogma. My being tells me that its wrong to love someone because it breaks certain rules. Now the logical mind knows it for the bullshit it is but the programing? Its difficult to overcome,and not only in yourself but in the ones you love. Now I'm not gonna put my shit out here but as you can tell this is an issue close to my heart.
   I am weary of tradition I am weary of rules that don't allow me to be happy without feeling like a selfish shit. Its not that I don't want to be happy. Its that if i do what i need to for happiness I feel like I've betrayed so many people that I cannot live with the fact. The result is a useless limbo like existence with tiny pieces of joy quickly crushed by obligation/duty.
LOL
Phew! Feels good to vent.

    Another walk. Another chance to gather my thoughts,to put my foolish musings on the wind and see where they land.
    I was asked last week when offered a chance to spend time with a beautiful woman and I refused "why?"
    I responded that I was trying to do the right thing to which she again asked "why?"
    The question hit me like a Zen Koan. I had to ask myself the same.
    The universe is chaos. It is in a constant state of change. Stability is not contentment it's entropy. It explains my never being truly happy. It's because true sustained happiness is an illusion. Moments of pure joy and happiness on the other hand are quite real. She reminded me to enjoy the moments,to not cloud them with preconceived notions or archaic rituals. Living in the moment  can be so invigorating! You are so...there. Thanks for reminding me,for waking me up.
(Smile)

today

No new, mind blowing insights today on the walk I searched and searched but found myself falling back into the same old selfish patterns Seeking confirmation or affirmation from someone who fails to acknowledge your needs over and over again is crazy. Many people have told me that in the past
and Wendy in particular stands out for being the most recent among other reasons. Finding it difficult to be the wise one today i simply pushed the subject aside and concentrated on my walk.
    The heat and humdity is draining. The sweat simply sits on the skin undisturbed by any breeze as its non exsistant. It is a good kind of tired It fatigue burns the wasteful thoughts from the forfront, forces you to focus on the present. In a  more positive frame i realize I am accomplishing all the goals I set for myself this summer, to get in shape, work on my spanish, write more and better and to work my guitar.
    All of those seem to be things I have control over The emotional stuff I still try to control like an idiot but fail miserably. At least i recognize my problems as small, possibly thats why im not rushing to get a handle on them. Mood seems good. I'm...calm.

Fuck the time away. Life calls to us all sometimes.
Anyway, was doing my daily walk and started thinking about selfishness. I always try to pick topics to occupy my mind while i walk and it seemed to leap forward
   I have been clashing more with a friend lately over expected treatment on my part. To me the expectations seem small, treat me with as much respect as i do you. Respect being some form of concentrated attention, meaning "I see you I hear you. I really do see and hear you.
    My anger usually comes to the for when those conditions are not met. If I recieve a note from someone saying "Hey, off to the gym." or "home now. so tired" to me those are thoughtless notes. I would rather you didn't bother writing at all, but then I have the balls to get pissy because you don't write! I know. What an asshole right?
   Well on my walk i was thinking just that, about how I delude myself into thinking i"m being this great human by giving you my valueable attenion when really i'm setting you up or testing you. It almost seems like im looking for a reason to get pissed I pat myself on the back and say "you! You are the good one!"
    I just found it facinating how we or in this case "I" lie to myself I have to work harder at being REAL. I love my friends. I love the people in my life. I am lucky that they CHOOSE to have me in theirs. Just wanted to get it down before tomorrow comes and im pissed about them not setting aside everything for me lol.

Boy. One of those days today. You know,the kind were everything is going slightly wrong? Not majorly bad but sort of a warning to get home and stay there before something falls on you.

back

   Too long away. I am aware of this. I have been trying to find myself, my place in things.
Its funny. I say that like its something new, in fact I've spent most of my adult life doing it. Sometimes the answer seems close enough to touch. I can see it shining right there! It saying "come on! run!" only it stays just out of reach, the next day or even later that same day its just a memory.
   My motivations for writing these days are questionable to me. I have learned loving to read doesn't mean you can write. I have also found out the things you like to read aren't necessarily what you can write well if at all. Still even with all those negative thoughts floating around I write. The urge is no less consuming and everyday in some form I am writing. If I've learned nothing else this semester I've learned a writer writes and the only way to get better is to write!
   Things seem to be moving into a non fiction arena right now. I look around and I want to talk about what I see. The Immediacy of it is appealing though finding an original tact is hard. Maybe the secret Is to just write it instead of trying to look for a hook or angle.
   My family is as content as it ever was and my thoughts dark but probably because i choose to look at things that way.
   My best friend won't even speak to me anymore, but in all fairness I stopped speaking first. I felt I had lost the support of the one person I could count on, the one I needed most at a particularly turbulent time in my life. It never entered my mind how they might feel about the whole thing. I was mostly concerned with being comforted. Selfish I know. Anyway some obvious truths were spoken and predictably I shut down, being childish is one of my many faults I sometimes perceive as strength.
   I used to be able to make others happy with no problem but could not do the same for myself. nowadays I make others as miserable as myself. Progress?