Tuesday, December 31, 2013

31Dec2013

Finished my first draft of "Joba Priest the Drifting" and realize I have to do a massive re write.
Massive LOL.
It's only thirty pages long. I'm acting like its 400.
The voicing is all wrong and the structure needs to be altered.
The new idea is much better and showed itself in the first draft just like they said it would.
Gonna tackle it tomorrow though. Too tired tonight but it's in there.
Happy New Year.
I'm ending way better than I started for the most part.

Monday, December 30, 2013

30Dec2013

Still chipping at the old/new story.
You know the saying, "you don't write, you rewrite."
It's reading ok, the plot lines are hitting the right spots but it feels so "been there done that"
I've gotten better, now I just need to push them past the standard path.
The problem is they don't want to go.
They work so well as standard standard that I want to keep them.
Can't. That's the trap.
I must challenge the form.
Make them truly live.
I'll get there.

Most of the people here still flu like but gettin better.
Writing so helps with the dark thoughts. I focus on that.

Sunday, December 29, 2013

dreaming

Fascinating how the mind works when u r dreaming.
I woke up angry and disappointed with a person I was sitting in the car with.
It has literally been twenty years or more since I've seen her.

The emotional content or the residual effect was just as intense.
It always takes a few mins to remember the subject isn't the issue, it's the emotional content.
The need for the mind to deal with a certain something and finding a way. Any way.

Saturday, December 28, 2013

28DEC2013

Damn near  Damn near New Years.
This year sucked so bad! lol
I cannot put into words all the shit I dealt with.
Let that fucker be gone!

Whew! That felt good.

Lots of people sick here. All with the flu. That with the drizzling rain made for a perfect gray day.
No worries. I don't let things like that press me anymore.
Nothing major or insightful to offer  today. I just felt the need to keep my hand in here lest it fall fallow.
Still writing everyday and now asking myself why it took  so long for me to attain this focus.
I've wasted so many years. I am so out of time. Oh well. All there is is what there is.

Monday, December 23, 2013

Dec23

Tryin to get in the spirit.
Tough tonight.
Things will be better tomorrow.
Gotta get outta my head and I'm burned on writing for tonight.

Saturday, December 21, 2013

the mirror

Was thinking last night about the lies we tell ourselves.
Our life is played out as a series of events lived in our heads. We shape what we see to please our own needs no matter how shitty things really are.

Tell ourselves we are loved.
Tell ourselves we love others, then start the laborious process of convincing ourselves its true.
Everyone does it most of the time. The vast majority do it without even realizing its so.

My curse is i look too much. I work actively at not bullshitting myself. I can't tell you how many times Ive been told to just stop examining.
Just go with the flow and i admit to periods when i do just that.

The problem is that for the folks who are observers or "watchers" as i like to call them, life is just different.

Writers fall into that category. They spend their whole lives watching. People, the weather, crashes, marriages whatever. They observe every reaction, every detail. They see the lies you tell yourself and the hard truth that is the reality of a scenario. Others refuse to look, its too close or too hard to deal with. Writers choose to stare at the sun for a few seconds.

Today has been one of those hard truth days for me. I have been going over the lies I've told myself, have made myself believe that for whatever reason are no longer working.
I call the hard rock surface of reality the mirror.

Its a mirror because once you finally REALLY see it you see yourself, warts and all. Clear of the lies and illusions, of the bullshit you fill so much of your days with. Looking at that mirror tends to cause two reactions.

You either embrace it, accepting yourself for that thing you are no matter how awful or
you go running back to the safety of your lies.

You find something, anything you get your thoughts off that "thing" and on to something more palatable.
I'm guilty of it too. I'm not special or great, i Just don't do it right away.

I tend to spend time looking at that mirror and owning all the shit that asshole did and does. Sometimes i think he's a waste of flesh.

Then i see my grandson. He's drawing dragons, or warriors. He is blissfully  content and free. He KNOWS Captain America is the shit no matter what his mother says. He moves me to tears.
He reminds me how selfish we can be sometimes. he reminds me what its all really about.
To hell with the mirror. It was never about you to begin with. Its always been about...them.

Friday, December 20, 2013

Writing for me these days

I'm way more productive lately. I'm concentrating better and I'm much more focused.
Also spending way too much time on twitter.

The plan was to get ideas on how to get published and meet people with the same goal.
I accomplished this but at the same time it's overwhelming.
Hundreds of writers, readers, pitchmen, agents and just general folk with opinions.
I've read tweets, blog posts and all things in between. 
My brain is now numb.  :)

I think my work is good but needs to be way better. I'm fighting my lack of patience in being there everyday. I do find inspiration in the few people I follow on twitter.
Good writers both young and old who make me keep the faith.
Thank you.

Thursday, December 19, 2013

She liked it

She liked the critique, said I sounded like a pro. (Smile)
Wants more detailed advice.
Go me!

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

critique

Finished the Dwarf story last night and queuing up for the Spacey/ Actiony thing I'm starting tonight so just to keep productive I critiqued a young lady's work online.

Its a tricky thing with some writers. I want to give constructive advice without crushing dreams and I hope I did.
Her issues were early writer stuff, telling instead of showing, characters not detailed enough but she's doing it and I told her to keep at it.
Eh just felt like sharing.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Monday, December 16, 2013

Baby steps

Its been a tough couple of months mood wise. What with finals from school and an ass load of personal shit that hit all at the same time I felt weighed down.

       In the midst of all that mayhem I started writing again. Actually I started editing material I'd put aside earlier in the year. It felt like writing was the only thing I could control, not that characters ever let you do that, they just allow you to think it. But the writing has helped so much. It gives me a channel for decompressing, for focusing on something other than my ceaseless whining. I'm no longer telling myself it's too late, I'm too old, or I suck at it lol. I'm just concentrating on making each line each paragraph as good as I can make it. The rest will be what it is.

Now its December and the baby steps are gone, I'm walking instead of crawling. The steps are slow and laborious (have to get back into shape. One crisis at a time people!) but headed foreword, not standing still.

I write everyday and will continue to do so. I'm also way more positive than I was. Should be finished editing "Ghost in the Forest of Goldshire"  by this weekend at the latest and I'm gonna put it up on a separate page just for Ghost's stories.

Just feeling better and wanted the few out there to know.
Ive been playing this song at home and on facebook daily for the past couple of months.
Sweet friends forgive me. I know you're sick of hearing it. This is the last time.
I just wanted to be able to look back on this one day and the song captures my emotional state.

Friday, December 13, 2013

The purge

The time finally came.

They had been with him for years
Comforting him, 
The only light in darkness
 hope when there was just the barest whisper left.
They had become his warm,comfy sanctuary.

Then his waking nightmare.

their very presence caused him pain.
They were the same physically
They behaved as they always had 
but his reception was now different.
Now he yelled at them,
cursed their exsistance
demanded they leave and never return.
They were confused.
They only wanted to bring joy like before.

One day he welcomed them again.
He embraced each,
Called them by name.
placed them against a wall
Kissed their foreheads gently
looked each one in the eye
And shot them in the head.
He didn't think they needed blindfolds
And he wanted to see the light die out.
Wanted to seem them splattered.

He felt relief.
He felt the lifting of a great weight

He knew it wouldn't stop the visits 

but they'd think long and hard about coming back.
By then he figured he'd be able to tolerate thier presence without it causing his stomach to bleed.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Random outburst

Free at last! Free at last!
great God a mighty I'm free at last!
You know what I'm talkin about. Lol

Sorry about being so cryptic. Oh well.

Supposed to be reviewing "I'm gonna get you sucka!" For a final presentation but turned on the tube (Turned on the tube, remember when that was a phrase?) and Princess Bride is on.
Gonna be late. LOL
Last class at 1230 till nxt semester then only one more. Coolness.

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Tail chasing

Not so grand today.
This is theThird day here in New Orleans without sun which always affects me.
Too much thinking, something else that always affects me is here too.
Still working and still positive though. 
Watching football and studying for finals but those pesky suppressed thoughts keep pushing themselves to the forefront demanding attention.
They aren't any things that can be fixed.
They're just rhetorical, a wasted cycling of speculations accomplishing nothing.
Back to work (smile) 

Friday, December 6, 2013

goddamnit the sun is shining!
Granted it just peaked its head out for a few seconds from behind the clouds....

It brings with it a renewed sense of joy here.

I'm in the back yard right next to the Ac but the clatter doesn't annoy

Chewy is refusing to accept a proper pose so I can snap him but

Ok. That annoys some.
Still all in all a great day.
I'm planning to post a short story soon. Smoothing out the rough edges first, probably this weekend.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

professors

I see you.

I see the hours you dedicate educating people who barely care

but still you are there.

I see the twinkle in your eyes when you realize

 "He gets it."

I know of the darkness you slave away in

the lack of recognition for the endless hours you dedicate for shit pay

The audacity of the students who think they've done their part by just showing up now its all on you and

 "why haven't you educated me yet?"

I have seen death
despair
loneliness
hopelessness

you face these daily and still you inspire/ aspire

I see and appreciate all you do and have done for me.

Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Writers

Keep the faith my brothers and sisters.

 "all you have to do is write one true sentence.
   Write the truest sentence that you know."
Ernest Hemingway.

Monday, December 2, 2013

Today

     Thinking about how words can get in the way sometimes. More to the point they can be destracting.
      
      There are days when I feel like I cannot have one more word spoken at me; hear one more voice speaking to what they find important or hope you will.

       Lately my brain screams at the noise. Even music, the one true sanctuary seems to intrude.
   Too many words on love both joy and loss and not enough "don't worry be happy's." Or "sing out" by Cat Stevens.

   Then I remembered jazz. That blissfully wordless realm it can sometimes occupy.
A few pat methenys later with some Miles did the trick.
Much better now.  :)

Sunday, December 1, 2013


(Smile)
    Its a hard thing being an old man.
You spend a lifetime developing your own way of seeing and dealing with the world. You think you know how people are; how to do all the things that get you through life at this point.
You know what to do with bullies and heartbreak and where to take your stand.
Where to take your stand.

Had a long talk with Jason last night and we debated vigorously this very point.
I am so unforgiving of hurt or wrong done to me that no matter who it is I am unable to forgive. My position being I give all of me, well most of me (smile) the inner stuff you don't give to just anybody. I put my feelings, my vulnerability in your hands and hope that you're gentle with it. The thing is if you hurt me that's it. You are dead to me. I still love you, still think of you, still smile at the shared history but the door is slammed. Its a sort of scorched earth policy.

    Jason is much more insightful. To him mistakes are made and things said in the heat of passion need to be let go. His is the opposite of scorched earth. He plants seeds, goes around looking for new growth, is always willing to forgive. He burns brightly in the moment. I linger in the past worrying the old wound, I keep that shit fresh! never allowing the memory of the pain to fade.

    The trippy thing is I KNOW he's right. I know you have to let that shit go, that life is a long road and you are different people at different points on it. Rational thinking gets trumped by emotional immaturity here for me. Its a fascinating thing to be fifty eight and still such an inner child.
its a hard thing to shitcan all the defenses you've honed over those years and let things go.
I'm working on it. Hence this blurb.

Needed to get that out. (smile)

Friday, November 29, 2013

musings on love

     It is the goal for most of us most days. Its the thing that gets you up in the morning; gets you through the day on thoughts of last night and dreams of what tonight will be...with her or him. Your Existence still blows. You still don't know why you're here but its way more palatable with them there.

     When they go, as inevitably they do, you feel holed out. Like there's no way to ever, ever feel...normal again. Your rational mind knows this for the lie it is. It knows you. More than likely in a month or so you will barely remember it says. Those mental journeys over that painfully too familiar turf will cease and if you bother to think of them at all it will be in wonder that you allowed yourself to be so  affected in the first place.

      You usually maintain a wall so high there's little chance of it being breached.
  
      You realize with no slight amount of sadness that another layer has been added.
     
      You are on the other side: you're heart is well protected.

      And you are even more alone than before.

       What started out as self defense has become your prison.

      That form of thinking is way too prevalent and so wrong.The problem is the price we put on most forms of love. I"ll trade you these for my love you give me this back. Failure on either end results in one or both picking up their toys and going home. the barter system, when applied here is doomed because thing change.

     The fabric of the universe itself, your very cells, are in a constant state of flux. If you cannot wrangle existence or your own wayward feelings into line how can you expect consistency or stability in another?

    Still, your conscious mind ignores these facts. It is struggling to protect you. It blames the other; starts a long convoluted journey of laying all of it at their feet. Anything is better than owning that shit yourself but the truth is life is all about change.

    Love can succeed in a constantly changing universe. it just needs to be set free; be allowed to just be, without the bartering; just beautiful, nebulous and all the more wonderful for its existence in the first place and all the more wonderful for that. I think...if you free yourself from bargaining you are that much closer to truly loving.

See? Upbeat! LOL

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Good day. Football,torchwood, adventure time marathon. Does it get any better?
Seek out the goodness in the small things.
Not shining? Give it a minute. It'll turn around. (Smile)

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

God the whining that goes on in some of these blogs. I thought I was above it all. Alas, I am as weak and wimpy as everyone else.
Enough!
I apologize for any hint or whiff of self pity displayed on this or my other page and promise no more.
Suffering through my stories is bad enough without having to put up with my personal crap.
 i'll try to keep the musings light and hopefully introspective from here on out. There is enough self pity in the world. God.

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

     You ever notice how exquisitely fucked up life is? I don't mean in the "I just want to die!"way but the joy and pain thing.
     Joy never lasts. We spend our entire exsistence pursuing it and it always comes, for a visit. Never to stay. In reality we spend far more time in pain and suffering than in joy. Pain and despair is the true constant, joy just a random variable.
      I don't mean to piss on the optimists out there;  I'm only voicing my current feelings on the subject. Lately I keep remembering my old bhuddist readings, about how pursuing pleasure is a stupid trick the mind plays on the concious self to keep you from thinking on the real reason were here. Which is...
      Lol hell if I know! Truth is I got tired of looking for the answer when I was younger and just went in pursuit of sex. I guess there's less gas in the tank these days; more time to think about things.
      All of this is from listening to a song on the walk from my van to the library. It is cold and rainy, my joints are aching and breath is short. I was looking back on my life and seeing no answers or purpose to the whole journey so far, but...
     " Sur vesdre" by Antoine dufour came on. It is an achingly beautiful song. The kind that makes you want to grab the people around you and yell
 "listen to this shit! I mean God! Just listen!"
       That kind of pure beauty makes life worth living. It recalibrates you sensors, reminds you to shut the hell up and just enjoy the ride, you're not driving anyway.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Story #1 Arthur's little story

      My attempts at fiction have been languishing on my hard drive. At least here there's a chance they may be seen. They are my own. Who else would lay claim to such mediocre work?
Anyway, I'll post them from time to time. Feel free to comment.

      Arthur watched the house from the cooling confines of the old grey van. The front lights in the house he was watching winked out. The routine has remained consistent for the past three weeks. Chester Macinally, the house's occupant, comes home around nine or so; spends two hours doing who knows what behind the walls of his little yellow house on Dorr street then the lights out.
     
     Arthur found the pain in his hands distracting. "Damn arthritis." he said. It's December in Ohio and Winter is making itself known; Its cold grip on the land evidenced by the snow. Filthy mountains of the stuff lay shoved off to the side; pushed there by snow plows making room for what little traffic there was on the street Arthur now occupied.

     He's not running the heater which explained and his aged joints screaming in protest. Turning on the heat would mean running the engine and he didn't want the attention. This fact forced him to rely on the mercy of the warming elements in his gloves which were only keeping some of the cold at bay. Of course they didn't do shit for the stiffness and pain everywhere else. Nothing to be done about it.
     There was a time he thought, when he would've been home right now having a nice cup of tea or possibly a beer. Marta would've been there. She'd know which he needed most. She'd provided things like that for him, always known just what he needed. It was rare to find someone capable of that; able to give of themselves freely expecting noting in return. She did that. She actually sensed what was needed in a particular moment and provide it.

     "Just take the damn thing!' she said shaking her head. "You know as soon as I sit down you're gonna want me to get it for you and i'm gonna say fuck that then so just take it now." she said throwing the remote control in Arthur's lap. She sat her ample frame down beside him. Sweeping a stray blonde strand from her eye she resumed work on her coloring boo. Her pudgy round face so wrapped in concentration she doesn't notice the tip of her tongue poking just out of the corner of her mouth.
     " I don't need you tryin to get in my head. Trust me you'd get lost in there. There's too much goin on that's beyond you." Arthur said with a smile. Margaret responded with a piercing look accompanied by a roll of her eyes.
     "Why you old ass bastard! If that brain of yours ever had a thought, I mean a real, true thought, one not put in by the tv or your asshole friends it died of loneliness long ago!" she laughed at her zinger.
"Oh yeah? well...shut up!" Arthur laughed.

    Arthur pushed those thoughts away. Taking the revolver form between the seat he rested the cold hunk of steel on his lap. The weapon no longer felt foreign. It was heavy but comfortable now in his hand. He Doubted he even blinked anymore when he fired it. His poor eyesight might've been problem, his instructor had suggested a shotgun for someone like him with home protection in mind but Arthur felt he didn't nave the upper body strength for it anymore. The instructor had simply given in and moved the targets closer.
     forcing his protesting limbs out of the van Arthur thinks. "Its time now." No more waiting or rethinking. Once in motion he finds he's feeling something similar to excitement instead of the fear he expected. His thoughts were heightened to each movement and all his senses more alive. The crunch of the snow beneath his boos was louder; he imagined he could taste the cold. Thoughts of long dead Margaret suddenly returned. They did more and more lately but he didn't mind. He found them comforting. It'd been Thirty years now and still all he wanted to do was touch her again, to feel her skin connected to his own.

     "She probably didn't feel a thing." the young cop said tin an awkward attempt at comfort.
     "an oncoming car swerved into her lane. she managed to avoid hi but hit a pole on the other side. I'm so sorry for you loss Mr. Michaels."
    He had said nothing. Simply sat down at the dinner table stunned. He felt like he would never be able to breathe again. he didn't even know where to begin, how to get some kind of handle on this. The kids, he had to call Jason and Toya. My God.
     The driver of the other car had claimed he was not drunk He'd just fled the scene out of panic gone home and started drinking to calm himself. His lawyers had been good. Arthur's television legal team had done all they could but the end result was fifteen years for negligent homicide in a minimum security facility. Chester Macinally had friends in high places and they had come through for him. The civil suit had been more than fair his legal team insisted. He had ended up with more money than he could ever hope to spend. It didn't matter. His life was over.

    Arthur felt renewed anger. Macinally had gotten out of prison three months ago for good behavior. Arthur had considered several elaborate schemes since then for getting into Macinally's house to...finish things, before God had finally provided him with the best and most obvious.
    "Tests show it's Prostate cancer Mr. Michaels. I'm sorry. I suggest you take what time you have and do something you really like, maybe that trip you be putting off. Have some fun."
He walked up and knocked on the door.


                                                            ***
     Chester Macanally heaved a sigh of relief sliding into his favorite chair. Little Milo was finally asleep, well in bed and hopefully would be asleep soon He sent another silent prayer of thanks to God for allowing him to spend some quality time with his grandson. It had taken years for Jenny to trust him again. No number of "I've really changed" and "I really am sorry." could fix that  while he'd been inside. He couldn't really blame her. He'd made A wreck of both their lives.

     Cursing, he got back up and to the kitchen for a coke. There on the top of the refrigerator sat the dusty bottle of Captain Morgan's Rum. he'd bought it the day he'd gotten out. The seal was still intact. It was a reminder that he was in control now, not the booze. On the way back to the living room he caught a glimpse of himself in the hall mirror. The hair was still thick though silver now around the skull like face he hated so much. The body hadn't gone to too much fat but he was still old he thought. Old and out of time.
      He'd been born into one of the finest families in Toledo, had it all. Had lost it all. The drinking had been way too hard to control, besides, nobody had ever told him he'd have to. Causing that woman's death had been his wakeup call. A call that was years late. Nothing to be done about it now. Maybe if he was good enough from now on....
     "Gumpa! It's Adventure Time!. You gotta come see it!" Milo yelled form the top of the stairs.
     "See it?" Chester said. "Your'e supposed to be going to sleep, not watching tv!"
     "But Gumpa! It's Adventure Time!" he insisted.
     "Ok, o. Gimme a minute." Chester was remembering now what a pain in the ass it was raising children, No wait, his wife had done that.

     The knock on his door brought him up short. A knock this time of night was unusual. Whoever it was better have a good reason. "What?" he yelled through the closed door.
     "Mr. Macanally sir? Mr. Chester Macanally?
     "Yeah. What?"

     The first shot would've taken Chester in the chest if he hadn't been standing sideways. Instead it shattered his right arm just above the elbow and sent him crashing to the floor. He couldn't believe how much it hurt. He looked at his arm; there didn't appear to be much left. The sight sent him into a further panic. He saw a hand reach in through the hole in the door and undo the licks. He was then looking into the face of a little old man. His head was covered with a red knit had and liked almost comical with the earflaps. He was holding the biggest gun Chester had ever seen.

     "Jesus Christ!' Chester screamed searching for some sense in the whole thing. "Somebody must've heard that. They'll be calling the police soon! The old man seemed unaffected by the news.
     "Please! My Grandson, he's upstairs. I, I don't' have anything but take what you want Just leave!"
      Arthur looked down at Chester. He was feeling so giddy from the adrenalin rush he thought he might pass out. He savored that moment looking at Chester, trying to really see him for the monster he knew him to be. He was bigger than He thought. The silver shock of hair was mussed with some plastered to his sweating forehead. The six foot three frame was curled in a protective ball around the shattered arm. "Not so big now." he thought. He lay there crying like a child. A child. Arthur remembered him mentioning the Grandson upstairs. Daughter must've dropped him off when he left to go to the bathroom. "Unfortunate. Damn prostate." he thought.

     There was a lot of blood. Chester's face was going white. He looked like he'd be passing out soon. He was eying Arthur who'd now taken a seat on his couch and was drinking from his coke. Chester looked at him as if he were the Devil himself come to claim his worthless soul. Maybe he was.

     "Who, who are you?" Chester managed to squeeze out.
Arthur Ignored him. He was feeling tired now. The adrenalin was wearing off and he realized it felt really hot in the house. He checked the revolver then, taking his time. He replaced the three spent rounds while looking down at Chester
    "My name is Arthur Michaels." he said. "My wife was Marta Michaels. Bah! You clearly don't remember me." Arthur said shrugging. "Doesn't matter. I'm guessing you don't remember her either but she was an Angel. Well to me anyway. She's gone now. Gone now all this time because of you.
     "I do remember! I can't forget!" Chester said. I'm so sorry for what happened! You gotta believe me."
     Arthur emptied the gun into Chester. He leaned back on the couch and exhaled. "It is done. Soon enough there will be peace." he thought. He could hear the sirens now. A little head peaked around a corner to his left. He smiled at the child. He looked terrified. Arthur smiled at the boy.
"Come here little one. Let me tell you a story.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Spring has sprung!

     Spring has sprung! Goddamn but I love this time of year!
I can't put my finger on exactly why but I feel...joyous.
I'm listening to Todd and Orleans singing dance with me and I want to get up and do just that.
The breeze is cool and its just another month before things become unbearable outside around here and everyone on campus is taking advantage of it.
     I marvel at how something as simple as a crisp, clear day can lighten my perpetual dark moods.
I have Spanish class in about two hours,; way too much time to talk myself out of said class. (Smile)
I joke.i cut last week so I have to go. I think....