Right now

Calm my brother.

You are the master of your rage.

Do not let it lead you down the path of regret. People will hurt for reasons not their own. 

Bridges will burn when there's no need.

Take the fire and use it!

Mold that shit into fine china.

Make it something you can look at later and be proud of

No just one more bad memory.

23sep14 pre b day

Pre birthday and I'm drowning in introspection.

Can't stop the words

Can't stop the probing.

I have a hate/love thing going with myself :)

Fifty nine tomorrow. Christ it went fast!

And I've achieved...so little.

11sep2914 library

Damn! i wrote something today!

I know that sounds trite. What i mean to say is i wrote something new!

I've been chipping away at a couple of olderr stories preping them for submission to the writing program here so either haven't had time or haven't made time for anything new.

But i was always thinking about it; Accepting then rejecting countless premises finally i just did a steven king and just sat down and let it flow.

Most of it will be dumped but so what? The effort! The mighty effort is what counts, the on the way to something new that you created. man, thats the shit.

Back

It's been a few.

Seems like after alpa omega I seemed to lose my motivation. I'm well aware that the writer cannot wait for motivation/inspiration but I simply couldn't muster it up.

I spent the summer crossing off my medical checklist; things the doctor tells you to do when you reach my age that I'd been blowing off. I decided I wasn't gonna die from something I could prevent so...

All good for the most part and the not as good is treatable. Still it was a psychological strain.

I'm finally ready to get back to things.

My final two classes are coming up, math again and one science biology. Also have to put together a package for grad school. 

     The creative writing program requires in addition to letters of recommendation two sample short stories. I have the two but both were written a couple yrs ago. I'm in the process of re writing them. I'm not 100% sure that's best. Probably should just do new ones but I feel they're my best work so far. I'm also in the guts of two others stories.

Just wanted to say I'm back to things.  :)

Jun05 2014 finished Omega/ Alpha

ok Alpha and Omega but really is that name gonna stick?
Its a passable rough draft in desperate need of a re-write but it'll have to wait till Jason has his input.
Im still proud of myself though (smile)

29May3014 almost Omega.

Nearing the end of the first draft of the screenplay "alpha and Omega."

Made a great effort to stay true to Jason's vision. I hope I captured the "spirit" of his tale.

I realize I have been limiting myself the last couple of weeks while working on this. I felt like it was the only thing I should be doing writing wise. That is wrong headed. My mind, like others can handle many different subjects at once. No reason I can't apply that to various writing projects.

I know;I state the obvious. Well, not all of us see al of it all the time.  :)

Going back to my "priest" story. I miss wresting with my own demons.

22May2014 slow progress

Alpha is plodding along. I'm about halfway through the rewrite and realize this thing is all over the place. I was spending way too much time scrolling back and forth thru the manuscript. Decided to go back and just straight line all the main chracters story lines. I can then drop them into the main piece in any position. I favor linear but Jason seems to be shooting for more "pulp fiction" type form.

My feeling is the latter will interrupt the flow but it's ultimately his screenplay.

What a mug huh?

18May2014

Always remember to nurture your hate.

Keep it fresh.

Drag it out from time to time and remember the source, and the reason.

Because the day may come when you'll need it and it will have grown stale and weak from lack of use.

The Alpha/Omega project continues but under a different perview.

Right now, today Jason seems far less comitted than myself. I have found myself in the postion of working on a story I would not have touched otherwise. My decision is to continue to work it for severa

 Reasons.

-I've tasked myself with finishing all the projects I start.

-all writing make my writing better.

-I said I would and I endeavor to keep my word these days.

So...breathe! Breathe you monster! breathe!

14May2014 update

Still around. Still in the very early stages of "hang's tale #2" and Priest's story but both are on hold for a minute.

    My friend Jason and I often put our heads together on ideas. He is a film maker and actor and we find we balance each other in certain areas. He had a screen play that needed work along with an idea for another piece. I've agreed to help him with both.

   I've been working on Alpha and Omega for about three days now. Without giving too much away it concerns pre and post Katrina New Orleans and the lives of several people during this period.

     We've had major head butting on which characters should be deleted and who's vision is truer. In the end I felt it best I approach the project as if it's a job. 

    Jason hired me to perform a specific task and it is my job to do it. I am finding it's forcing me to apply my meager talents in new and challenging ways. I have to give life and depth to characters that would not ordinarily people any work of mine. I am learning that all my school work was preparing me for this type of JOB, not performance art. I'm curious to see the end result. I'll keep you posted.

7May2014

Been a minute since I blogged but I'm still here.

Made the mistake of waiting till I have something to say. That is the lazy mans approach.

Still working the priest and it's going better though I have to say I'm not as hard on it asi should be. School is wrapping up and that's taking more time; but mt last final is Thursday. Then I can work the priest properly.

Mood? It doesn't matter. I am as it seems I've always been. In some kind of emotional limbo I'm ignoring.

The work is enough.

30APR2014

Still writing which is the main thing. Crunch time at cool so it's making things harder, not to mention several personal issues.

I'm so done these days. Mentally throwing up my hands in surrender but still stumbling doggedly on.

Better days ahead I'm sure.

19Apr2014 Priest update

Not sure if I mentioned it last time but after talking with Jason I decided not to "Kill the Priest" lol story.
He advised that I judge too harshly and to relax and write.
Good advice. The story itself is good but Priest doesn't seem to fit the lead if that makes sense.
Ive decided to change the perspective and make Chaos the main character. He seemed to be taking over anyway and frankly his perspective is more interesting than Priests at this point.
so... Here goes the umpteenth rewrite. ;)

15Apr2014 blocked.

I'm blocked! Every time I try to put words to paper (or it's equivalent these days), I end up stopping or using the "why bother this is crap!" Mantra.

writing has been the lifeline for getting me past my depression and it's still a major salvation. I just feel so drained, like every word takes work, like pushing a great weight.

Going to try switching stories. The "priest" story is still a struggle and is wear. It's pretty ambitious for me in the depth of character department; I can handle that but feels all wrong structurally.

I keep reworking and rearranging those thirty or so pages in the hope that they'll act right!

I have got to shoot it. Maybe admit its a failure and start again.

I'm back on the Hang the hunter follow up for now. It's coming much easier. Maybe fantasy is where I should be instead of pseudo si/fi. Most of my friends think I live in a fantasy world anyway. :)

I should lean into it!

28Mar2014 changes

I mentally put a bulletin in the head of the "priest" story I've been chipping at.

I was worried I'd broken the cardinal rule of "not finishing what you start!" But technically it is finished and I was just fine tuning.

I couldn't stand seeing the cliches anymore. It felt like I was polishing a turd! Lol

Want to keep them (the characters) but free them of the stereotypes.

Started fresh tonight and will jump fully in tomorrow.

27Mar2014

Didn't write at all yesterday. It was the first time this year I failed at it. I had a test to study for and had to make a big boy decision and feel shitty about it.
Im back at it today and I realize now that's what you do. Accept your failure and get back to work!


The reviews seem to be finished for now with "Hang the Hunter" and all of them were helpful. I will address the issues pointed out and do one last tweak. I already have a good idea for the second one but as so many writing advisors advise "finish what you start!" So im back chipping at "Drifting Priest" and struggling to embrace the challenge it is.


Ive changed the perspectives on it numerous times but it still reads kind of wrong. I fear I have to do it again. The first person feels too close if that makes any sense. He is less mysterious.

23Mar2014

Three reviews in on Hang the Hunter at Critique Circle so far and all of them overwhelmingly encouraging.


The feedback was constructive and refreshingly free of bullshit. The reviewers focused on two areas as a problem namely.


-Not enough description of characters physical features making them hard to visualize.
-Not enough description of the Great Forest resulting in the same.
Both were things I had been looking at but thought they were close enough as readers tend to fill in the info on their own in their respective heads but my professor says if they noticed it its noticeable (smile)


They all want more of the Grieve stricken dwarf which surprises me.
I put major effort into him and the tale but he is not the character I envisioned taking off. I thought Priest in the story im working now would be the one.
Still I always had a plan for Ghost and Hang so more stories of them will be fun.


My writers block trigger by thoughts of being a loser is gone. The positive reviews helped but it was simply powering through it that did the trick.

17Mar2014

Dragging today. My mood is sad, probably due to the lack of sunshine.
Did only a small amount of writing today as I'm just drained.
A couple more days till my review at c.c. The Priest story is still in rewrite, it'll get there. Have a pretty good idea what's next for Hang and Ghostwand, just need to iron it out and discipline myself to finish one before starting the other.

13mar2014

So the first Ghost story is done and submitted to the "Critque Circle" for a peer review.

Now I'm doing the rewrite on "The Drifting Priest" and roughed out the next story for Ghost and Hang.

I'm proud of myself for the consistency I've displayed this year.

I seem to finally realize life is going to press Weither you write or not so write!

I still see an issue with being more concerned with character and the human condition than story.

Truly innovative plot lines seem to escape me!

All I can do is try to make the chracters interesting.

9March2014

Finished the Ghost story. It is as good as I can be right now and I'm proud of it.

Planning the follow up while still chipping at the Priest story.

That one is finished but needs to be sweetened by some recent readings I feel will add more dept of character.

The mood does its thing and I do mine.  :)

I am no longer a slave to its whims.

25FEB2014

The writing is still going well for me.

I've taken another look at "Ghost in the forest of goldshire" and im in the process of making my final pass at it. The voices are smoother and i plan to post it soon on citique circle for a peer review. then one more rewrite and ill re post it here.

The "Priest" story is also in the first final run through. After this re-write ill set it down for a month or two then hit it again.

Saw this link to Walter Mosely interview on you tube yesterday that was so welcomed. Loved how to the point he is and plan to apply his advice to my own writing habits.

It's one of those uphill phases right now; when you have to force yourself to write instead of feeling like it.

I find that its true once you soilder on it happens.

18FEB20140916

Who are these young that hurry before me?

I see your confidence 

Smell your dreams

How you struggle to stay current and so eagerly seek acceptance.

I stumble along in my broken gait

My arthritic joints just painful enough to make their presence felt

And wonder what happend to my strong youthful body.

When did I cease that worthless pursuit?

What happened to my dreams?

They remain of course, though now only as slowly dying embers as opposed to a cracking fire.

I continue ever on even at this snails pace.

The dashing to and fro for me appears long gone.

I think too much.

So many times I've heard it

As if one can simply turn it off.

It is me!

It is my essence.

Better to say 

"stop breathing!"

"Stop dreaming!"

11FEB2014 patty griffin quote.

You can cry

Or die

Or just make pies all day.

I'm makin pies.

(Smile)

09FEB2014

Rarely forgive.

NEVER forget!

7FEB2014

Still working the priest story and he still keeps evolving.

I'm now seeing the wisdom of getting the bare bones of the story down.

You cut all of the fat out with your razor then there's just the lines and where it ends.

Then you go back adding tone and colors; you make it live!

Well, try anyway.

I love it.

I'm just sorry I got there so late.

So much wasted time.

Ah well, such is life for some.  :)

4FEB2014

Haven't forgotten you.

I just don't want to fill these pages with useless whinning.

I see enough of that on twitter.

Still working on "the drifting Priest"

Breaking it up into short stories and pretty much done before the final run through.

After that I'll post it for reviews in various places, consider the feedback and do another revision after it cools down

Not sure what the next project is but the Ghostwand" story needs a restructuring and it's been cooling a few months now so probably that.

As always

"Thanks for Listening"

30Jan2014

Life continuing to throw up roadblocks. What else is new?

Well, sometimes you can see the reason for it.

One can spend months angry and constantly saying "why me lord?" 

sometimes it takes months for the reason to present itself.

I'm going to spare you details here but I understand why things fell the way they did for me.

One always needs to remember you are not alone on this earth and I forgot that for a time.

It is soo easy to think just about yourself.

 So easy in fact you barely notice you're doing it after awhile.

Meanwhile those depending on you move blithely along, confident in the belief that you will eventually come to your senses. Thier faith is so humbling.

A sneaky slinking train wreck of a person crawls along plotting and planning. 

He is perfectly willing to sacrifice them on the alter of his vile needs but their faith never waivers.

He eventually realizes all the studying, all his pompous behavior is nothing!

He missed the whole thing!

The real truth, the real purpose for exsistance was always right there.

in them, believing in you even when they KNEW you were a piece of shit.

Be better people.

I know we've sucked in the past; I hear you we may not ever be able to make it up.

But start now anyway. Can't make things worse.

Didn't write okay and feel terrible about it.

In one of those "my writing sucks!" Phases.

I shall persevere. (Smile)

27JAN2014

I'm glad I wake up ready to be productive now.

I used to look for things to kill time.

Now I write,/study/write and feel less like a waste of life.

My despair still weighs me down.

I know. A long time leaving huh.

I feel I am useless to others right now as I'm so in need of fixing myself.

I still drag one foot foreward right after the other.it just seems like a circle.  :)

Yes, well It was never supposed to be easy was it?

Easy was the lie they told us from the beginning.

24JAN2014 Chaos

Thinking about chaos tonight.

Not the crude raw upheaval of all things organized in the universe but more the hiccups in the smoothness of it all.

When I was younger I craved smoothness. I wanted nothing more than the comforts of home everybody else desired. A mate, enough money and all the love you can handle.

I achieved that goal years ago if not on as grand a scale as it sounds. Then I felt like young Alexander who looked around and lamented he had no worlds left to conquer.

I became restless bored and grumpy. I longed to tear it all down.

Is that the nature of man or just a fucked up me?

The Priest is back on track. About 7900 words and editing is going well.

22JAN2014

Not a terrible day. Got lots done on the story, lots of adding then taking away.

The age old battle of writing what you want, what the story is trying to say and the need for mass appeal.

I gave in and propped some action on the front. It was a blatant effort to grab readers on the first page, before they start drifting.

It feels so wrong now. Deleting it.

I'm proud of myself. This story is not like that.

It's about a man struggling with the things he's done over a lifetime and realizing it may be too late to make amends. The action must come out of that, not be shoehorned in.

The depression is still with me. Fuck it. It won't win. It never does. But...

Don't want to discuss it either. Just want to beat it bloody. Make it wish it had never fucked with me.

21JAN2014 I'm still here.

Been a few days but that's cool. I had nothing to say that's worth mentioning.

Flu is past but it did cause me to miss a day of writing, just the one though.

I've started the rewrite on "priest" at least five times now.

Each time with a brilliant new concept.

Each time the characters drag me back on point lol.

I guess its true you are simply the vehicle for them.

It's ok but not groundbreaking. I want groundbreaking !

But can't force these people into that shape.

It's for other characters or them further down the road.

Never stop. The future is bullshit, there's only now.

13Jan2014

Finally turning the corner on the flu.
Seems I was premature in bragging about my Father's super genes.
Didn't write yesterday but in my defense I felt like death!
I know. a Poor excuse.
Did tonight though and I'm pretty much done with the second rough draft.
school starts tomorrow and I'll have to wait and see how my writings gonna fit in with studies.


Mood is dark but that's normal for me. Doesn't equate with depression. just dark.

10Jan2014

The day is done.

Flu fought mightily but in the end no match for my fathers genes.

I am on the mend and still, still writing.

Sometimes it's like carving text out of a boulder.

I see the thousands on twitter not only writing away but publishing their own shit.

I will be there though I struggle with my standards.

To me the work never seems to be quite there but each re write is better.

I can look at my work now and say"not bad." But needs to be better.

The good thing about that is I'm trying to please me now and not others.

8JAN2014

Yea, turned the corner with the whinning!

It falls into order when you stop thinking about yourself all the time.

Concentrating on doing no harm or as little as possible to the ones that really love you is the answer.

"the Priest" is still coming along. It'll be fine and my best work to date.

Down side here.

I think I finally got the flu lol

Goin to bed early.

6jan2014

Still writing daily. Holding myself to that.

The despair overwhelms tonight so I respond with two rum and cokes. 

Stupid. 

I seem to circle all my miseries relentlessly some days. Only some days. Really just some times. Others i am better than fine (smile)

Running into an old problem with the story trying to write itself but it's too rote so I keep rewriting the first ten pages lol.

I think Ive whipped it in the right direction now.

3JAN2014

Still struggling with the down mood and cranky as hell.  (Smile)

But...still writing.

Funneling all the crap built up into the rough draft of "priest"

By the time I get to the third rewrite I'll be able to make it useful instead of just carving up the insides of me.

Brighter days tomorrow my friends, remember.

3Jan2014

Still at it.

Good for me.

Was tough today. Getting back to writing has been a lifesaver but a writers job is to fool others, not themselves.

So...every now and again the stuff I'm running from pops up.

It's amazing how ripe and taunt the feelings are when they do.

You can taste them 

and the taste is like fresh blood. 

Your blood.

It feels like you've made no real progress at all but of course you have.

You are now able to see it from a distance, like watching a dull movie.

Just some days (smile)

The story is still moving along nicely. About 1000 words a day or so.

Hey! It takes time to aquire the discipline!