Tuesday, November 26, 2013

     You ever notice how exquisitely fucked up life is? I don't mean in the "I just want to die!"way but the joy and pain thing.
     Joy never lasts. We spend our entire exsistence pursuing it and it always comes, for a visit. Never to stay. In reality we spend far more time in pain and suffering than in joy. Pain and despair is the true constant, joy just a random variable.
      I don't mean to piss on the optimists out there;  I'm only voicing my current feelings on the subject. Lately I keep remembering my old bhuddist readings, about how pursuing pleasure is a stupid trick the mind plays on the concious self to keep you from thinking on the real reason were here. Which is...
      Lol hell if I know! Truth is I got tired of looking for the answer when I was younger and just went in pursuit of sex. I guess there's less gas in the tank these days; more time to think about things.
      All of this is from listening to a song on the walk from my van to the library. It is cold and rainy, my joints are aching and breath is short. I was looking back on my life and seeing no answers or purpose to the whole journey so far, but...
     " Sur vesdre" by Antoine dufour came on. It is an achingly beautiful song. The kind that makes you want to grab the people around you and yell
 "listen to this shit! I mean God! Just listen!"
       That kind of pure beauty makes life worth living. It recalibrates you sensors, reminds you to shut the hell up and just enjoy the ride, you're not driving anyway.

Sunday, November 17, 2013

Story #1 Arthur's little story

      My attempts at fiction have been languishing on my hard drive. At least here there's a chance they may be seen. They are my own. Who else would lay claim to such mediocre work?
Anyway, I'll post them from time to time. Feel free to comment.

      Arthur watched the house from the cooling confines of the old grey van. The front lights in the house he was watching winked out. The routine has remained consistent for the past three weeks. Chester Macinally, the house's occupant, comes home around nine or so; spends two hours doing who knows what behind the walls of his little yellow house on Dorr street then the lights out.
     
     Arthur found the pain in his hands distracting. "Damn arthritis." he said. It's December in Ohio and Winter is making itself known; Its cold grip on the land evidenced by the snow. Filthy mountains of the stuff lay shoved off to the side; pushed there by snow plows making room for what little traffic there was on the street Arthur now occupied.

     He's not running the heater which explained and his aged joints screaming in protest. Turning on the heat would mean running the engine and he didn't want the attention. This fact forced him to rely on the mercy of the warming elements in his gloves which were only keeping some of the cold at bay. Of course they didn't do shit for the stiffness and pain everywhere else. Nothing to be done about it.
     There was a time he thought, when he would've been home right now having a nice cup of tea or possibly a beer. Marta would've been there. She'd know which he needed most. She'd provided things like that for him, always known just what he needed. It was rare to find someone capable of that; able to give of themselves freely expecting noting in return. She did that. She actually sensed what was needed in a particular moment and provide it.

     "Just take the damn thing!' she said shaking her head. "You know as soon as I sit down you're gonna want me to get it for you and i'm gonna say fuck that then so just take it now." she said throwing the remote control in Arthur's lap. She sat her ample frame down beside him. Sweeping a stray blonde strand from her eye she resumed work on her coloring boo. Her pudgy round face so wrapped in concentration she doesn't notice the tip of her tongue poking just out of the corner of her mouth.
     " I don't need you tryin to get in my head. Trust me you'd get lost in there. There's too much goin on that's beyond you." Arthur said with a smile. Margaret responded with a piercing look accompanied by a roll of her eyes.
     "Why you old ass bastard! If that brain of yours ever had a thought, I mean a real, true thought, one not put in by the tv or your asshole friends it died of loneliness long ago!" she laughed at her zinger.
"Oh yeah? well...shut up!" Arthur laughed.

    Arthur pushed those thoughts away. Taking the revolver form between the seat he rested the cold hunk of steel on his lap. The weapon no longer felt foreign. It was heavy but comfortable now in his hand. He Doubted he even blinked anymore when he fired it. His poor eyesight might've been problem, his instructor had suggested a shotgun for someone like him with home protection in mind but Arthur felt he didn't nave the upper body strength for it anymore. The instructor had simply given in and moved the targets closer.
     forcing his protesting limbs out of the van Arthur thinks. "Its time now." No more waiting or rethinking. Once in motion he finds he's feeling something similar to excitement instead of the fear he expected. His thoughts were heightened to each movement and all his senses more alive. The crunch of the snow beneath his boos was louder; he imagined he could taste the cold. Thoughts of long dead Margaret suddenly returned. They did more and more lately but he didn't mind. He found them comforting. It'd been Thirty years now and still all he wanted to do was touch her again, to feel her skin connected to his own.

     "She probably didn't feel a thing." the young cop said tin an awkward attempt at comfort.
     "an oncoming car swerved into her lane. she managed to avoid hi but hit a pole on the other side. I'm so sorry for you loss Mr. Michaels."
    He had said nothing. Simply sat down at the dinner table stunned. He felt like he would never be able to breathe again. he didn't even know where to begin, how to get some kind of handle on this. The kids, he had to call Jason and Toya. My God.
     The driver of the other car had claimed he was not drunk He'd just fled the scene out of panic gone home and started drinking to calm himself. His lawyers had been good. Arthur's television legal team had done all they could but the end result was fifteen years for negligent homicide in a minimum security facility. Chester Macinally had friends in high places and they had come through for him. The civil suit had been more than fair his legal team insisted. He had ended up with more money than he could ever hope to spend. It didn't matter. His life was over.

    Arthur felt renewed anger. Macinally had gotten out of prison three months ago for good behavior. Arthur had considered several elaborate schemes since then for getting into Macinally's house to...finish things, before God had finally provided him with the best and most obvious.
    "Tests show it's Prostate cancer Mr. Michaels. I'm sorry. I suggest you take what time you have and do something you really like, maybe that trip you be putting off. Have some fun."
He walked up and knocked on the door.


                                                            ***
     Chester Macanally heaved a sigh of relief sliding into his favorite chair. Little Milo was finally asleep, well in bed and hopefully would be asleep soon He sent another silent prayer of thanks to God for allowing him to spend some quality time with his grandson. It had taken years for Jenny to trust him again. No number of "I've really changed" and "I really am sorry." could fix that  while he'd been inside. He couldn't really blame her. He'd made A wreck of both their lives.

     Cursing, he got back up and to the kitchen for a coke. There on the top of the refrigerator sat the dusty bottle of Captain Morgan's Rum. he'd bought it the day he'd gotten out. The seal was still intact. It was a reminder that he was in control now, not the booze. On the way back to the living room he caught a glimpse of himself in the hall mirror. The hair was still thick though silver now around the skull like face he hated so much. The body hadn't gone to too much fat but he was still old he thought. Old and out of time.
      He'd been born into one of the finest families in Toledo, had it all. Had lost it all. The drinking had been way too hard to control, besides, nobody had ever told him he'd have to. Causing that woman's death had been his wakeup call. A call that was years late. Nothing to be done about it now. Maybe if he was good enough from now on....
     "Gumpa! It's Adventure Time!. You gotta come see it!" Milo yelled form the top of the stairs.
     "See it?" Chester said. "Your'e supposed to be going to sleep, not watching tv!"
     "But Gumpa! It's Adventure Time!" he insisted.
     "Ok, o. Gimme a minute." Chester was remembering now what a pain in the ass it was raising children, No wait, his wife had done that.

     The knock on his door brought him up short. A knock this time of night was unusual. Whoever it was better have a good reason. "What?" he yelled through the closed door.
     "Mr. Macanally sir? Mr. Chester Macanally?
     "Yeah. What?"

     The first shot would've taken Chester in the chest if he hadn't been standing sideways. Instead it shattered his right arm just above the elbow and sent him crashing to the floor. He couldn't believe how much it hurt. He looked at his arm; there didn't appear to be much left. The sight sent him into a further panic. He saw a hand reach in through the hole in the door and undo the licks. He was then looking into the face of a little old man. His head was covered with a red knit had and liked almost comical with the earflaps. He was holding the biggest gun Chester had ever seen.

     "Jesus Christ!' Chester screamed searching for some sense in the whole thing. "Somebody must've heard that. They'll be calling the police soon! The old man seemed unaffected by the news.
     "Please! My Grandson, he's upstairs. I, I don't' have anything but take what you want Just leave!"
      Arthur looked down at Chester. He was feeling so giddy from the adrenalin rush he thought he might pass out. He savored that moment looking at Chester, trying to really see him for the monster he knew him to be. He was bigger than He thought. The silver shock of hair was mussed with some plastered to his sweating forehead. The six foot three frame was curled in a protective ball around the shattered arm. "Not so big now." he thought. He lay there crying like a child. A child. Arthur remembered him mentioning the Grandson upstairs. Daughter must've dropped him off when he left to go to the bathroom. "Unfortunate. Damn prostate." he thought.

     There was a lot of blood. Chester's face was going white. He looked like he'd be passing out soon. He was eying Arthur who'd now taken a seat on his couch and was drinking from his coke. Chester looked at him as if he were the Devil himself come to claim his worthless soul. Maybe he was.

     "Who, who are you?" Chester managed to squeeze out.
Arthur Ignored him. He was feeling tired now. The adrenalin was wearing off and he realized it felt really hot in the house. He checked the revolver then, taking his time. He replaced the three spent rounds while looking down at Chester
    "My name is Arthur Michaels." he said. "My wife was Marta Michaels. Bah! You clearly don't remember me." Arthur said shrugging. "Doesn't matter. I'm guessing you don't remember her either but she was an Angel. Well to me anyway. She's gone now. Gone now all this time because of you.
     "I do remember! I can't forget!" Chester said. I'm so sorry for what happened! You gotta believe me."
     Arthur emptied the gun into Chester. He leaned back on the couch and exhaled. "It is done. Soon enough there will be peace." he thought. He could hear the sirens now. A little head peaked around a corner to his left. He smiled at the child. He looked terrified. Arthur smiled at the boy.
"Come here little one. Let me tell you a story.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

Spring has sprung!

     Spring has sprung! Goddamn but I love this time of year!
I can't put my finger on exactly why but I feel...joyous.
I'm listening to Todd and Orleans singing dance with me and I want to get up and do just that.
The breeze is cool and its just another month before things become unbearable outside around here and everyone on campus is taking advantage of it.
     I marvel at how something as simple as a crisp, clear day can lighten my perpetual dark moods.
I have Spanish class in about two hours,; way too much time to talk myself out of said class. (Smile)
I joke.i cut last week so I have to go. I think....

Saturday, October 20, 2012

    There are several issues on my mind today and I'll give some time to some of them. I have been trying to be less self centered but that's impossible when you're writing a blog about yourself. so...
   
    Depression is upon me. It  has been visiting since the start of the month for some reason and refuses to take it's ass home! It sits in the middle of the living room hogging the TV and demanding everyone watch what it wants to watch. You get the idea.
   
    Things just seem to be not going well. Nothing major, I mean my health is fine, no money troubles and the family is well. Its more little things like not being able to pass tests or make anyone happy or... see somebody when you really wanna see them.

    I have been pondering a question for a few months  now. A friend asked why I don't allow myself to be happy, that I just refuse delivery. It really has stayed with me. Man, i would hate to think there's some truth to that.

    I really wanna be happy. I mean I love being happy. Who doesn't ? It just feels more like an illusion these days. You ever find yourself thinking you're doing things other people and society want you to do but not what you want to do? what's right for you? Lately I look at love and rules and what's considered right or wrong and I'm questioning.
   For instance. Prostitution. Why is it illegal? or smoking pot? now I'm not supporting these issues but it seems silly to ban something that makes people happy. I mean it really does seem silly. Who decided that shit and why should i HAVE to do it? What gives them the right to decide whats right for me?
    I asked the same question of marriage. One wife, presumably forever, as if society or "they" decided this is best for you so this is how it will be. What about the people who genuinely love lots of people? I'm questioning love and commitment a lot these days. Maybe its the age thing. We grow up with rules for how to date, how many dates till sex, when to kiss, how many kids to have, how many years together, Individual choice seems removed from the whole process. We are programmed from the cradle to follow societies rules or be punished by society. I'm not just speaking of jail but socially too.
    I want to love who i want to love, without being judged or limited by society. Instead I am hounded by dogma. My being tells me that its wrong to love someone because it breaks certain rules. Now the logical mind knows it for the bullshit it is but the programing? Its difficult to overcome,and not only in yourself but in the ones you love. Now I'm not gonna put my shit out here but as you can tell this is an issue close to my heart.
   I am weary of tradition I am weary of rules that don't allow me to be happy without feeling like a selfish shit. Its not that I don't want to be happy. Its that if i do what i need to for happiness I feel like I've betrayed so many people that I cannot live with the fact. The result is a useless limbo like existence with tiny pieces of joy quickly crushed by obligation/duty.
LOL
Phew! Feels good to vent.

Monday, October 8, 2012

    Another walk. Another chance to gather my thoughts,to put my foolish musings on the wind and see where they land.
    I was asked last week when offered a chance to spend time with a beautiful woman and I refused "why?"
    I responded that I was trying to do the right thing to which she again asked "why?"
    The question hit me like a Zen Koan. I had to ask myself the same.
    The universe is chaos. It is in a constant state of change. Stability is not contentment it's entropy. It explains my never being truly happy. It's because true sustained happiness is an illusion. Moments of pure joy and happiness on the other hand are quite real. She reminded me to enjoy the moments,to not cloud them with preconceived notions or archaic rituals. Living in the moment  can be so invigorating! You are so...there. Thanks for reminding me,for waking me up.
(Smile)

Saturday, June 30, 2012

today

No new, mind blowing insights today on the walk I searched and searched but found myself falling back into the same old selfish patterns Seeking confirmation or affirmation from someone who fails to acknowledge your needs over and over again is crazy. Many people have told me that in the past
and Wendy in particular stands out for being the most recent among other reasons. Finding it difficult to be the wise one today i simply pushed the subject aside and concentrated on my walk.
    The heat and humdity is draining. The sweat simply sits on the skin undisturbed by any breeze as its non exsistant. It is a good kind of tired It fatigue burns the wasteful thoughts from the forfront, forces you to focus on the present. In a  more positive frame i realize I am accomplishing all the goals I set for myself this summer, to get in shape, work on my spanish, write more and better and to work my guitar.
    All of those seem to be things I have control over The emotional stuff I still try to control like an idiot but fail miserably. At least i recognize my problems as small, possibly thats why im not rushing to get a handle on them. Mood seems good. I'm...calm.

Friday, June 29, 2012

Fuck the time away. Life calls to us all sometimes.
Anyway, was doing my daily walk and started thinking about selfishness. I always try to pick topics to occupy my mind while i walk and it seemed to leap forward
   I have been clashing more with a friend lately over expected treatment on my part. To me the expectations seem small, treat me with as much respect as i do you. Respect being some form of concentrated attention, meaning "I see you I hear you. I really do see and hear you.
    My anger usually comes to the for when those conditions are not met. If I recieve a note from someone saying "Hey, off to the gym." or "home now. so tired" to me those are thoughtless notes. I would rather you didn't bother writing at all, but then I have the balls to get pissy because you don't write! I know. What an asshole right?
   Well on my walk i was thinking just that, about how I delude myself into thinking i"m being this great human by giving you my valueable attenion when really i'm setting you up or testing you. It almost seems like im looking for a reason to get pissed I pat myself on the back and say "you! You are the good one!"
    I just found it facinating how we or in this case "I" lie to myself I have to work harder at being REAL. I love my friends. I love the people in my life. I am lucky that they CHOOSE to have me in theirs. Just wanted to get it down before tomorrow comes and im pissed about them not setting aside everything for me lol.